The piece of me that grew up in the Middle East lingered on the mouse as the carefree Caribbean born Carly selected the photograph above.
"Is that really necessary Carly?" My conservative side spoke.
"What's the big deal? God gave us this body, why should we be ashamed to show it?" My Caribbean rooted heart retaliated.
"But the internet will be talking about your butt-"
"Okay? So let them talk... One day I will be old and wrinkled and wish that my butt looked like that. Plus, what's the big deal? Don't you have a butt?"
. . . . . . . . . .
You see, as people, we are the sum total of all of our experiences... and well, me, having grown up on two ends of the globe, I often find my thoughts in a battle of contradiction.
What is right & what is wrong? What is acceptable & what is unacceptable? What is possible & what is impossible? And after years in a battle of blurred lines it all boiled down to SOCIETY and SUBJECTIVITY.
I couldn't stand it anymore and I soon began to live my life repeating to those around me: I JUST WANT TO DO, WHATEVER IT IS THAT I WANT TO DO.
"Models should be 5'10 & 100 pounds."
"Actresses need to have an American accent."
"Business folk need to be math savvy."
"Writers need to have good grammar and spelling skills."
Designers need to... Politicians need to...Fitness Instructors need to... Lawyers need to... Athletes need to...
NO. Why do we always need to "BE" or "DO" what OTHER people decided is acceptable?
You just need to BE bold enough to say YES to taking the first step onto your own path, and then figuring it out from there.
Now I have always been one to say "yes" to adventure. I love to live my life with stories to tell, and I don't get embarrassed very easily. A recipe for disaster, or an assured good time . . . whoever knows. BUT(there's always a 'but') -
But if you've been reading my blogs, you would probably know that there is one thing that has always been somewhat of an ongoing conversation in my life.
Body Image.
"But you..." You're too kind, but please don't.
We all know that you could be a twig, or you could be an oak tree - either way - it doesn't stop us from judging or comparing our bodies to the images of perfection that we are often bombarded with. It is what it is.
Then one day... Walking through my University grounds, my roommate and I saw a flyer for a bikini show at one of the biggest school events of the year "Midnight Maddness".
Now my roommate was 'one of the lucky ones'. We did EVERYTHING together. We exercised together, we drank together, we ate together... but somehow, she ended up with abs, while my thighs continued to rub like they have since the day that I stepped out of the womb.
SO BE IT. Long story short(ish) - I convinced her to go to the auditions (which she agreed to do once I took her), but somehow I left said audition agreeing to do the show with her. After weeks of anxiety and emotionally drowning my nerves in everything delicious (counterproductive much?) I found my saucy self standing front and center of my university gym in nothing but a cheeky 'indieswim' bikini.
WHO AM I AND WHAT IS GOING ON?
The stands were FULL of students. Most looked excited...others looked on with raised eyebrows.
That night I went to sleep with a sigh of relief that I made it through the event. I even had a great time! I said 'yes' to doing something totally out of my comfort zone. It went well - and it was over - and I survived.
Or so I thought...
Obliviously walking into the cafiteria the next day, a fellow student that I knew 'from around' walked up to me.
"Hey did you see the school papers today?" "No?" I smiled. "You might want to," he replied with an unreadable face.
My spidey senses tingled. Something wasn't right.
I played it cool until he was out of site, then quickly made my way to the first newspaper stand.
Grabbing the paper I read the front page. " MIDNIGHT MISOGYNY " A picture of one of the models stood next to the text.
Well... this can't be good.
CHAPTER TWO
Sentences painted with feminist undertones slashed through the paper. I would quote it for you, but it has since been retracted.
It wasn't the empowering sort of feminism that makes you want to stand tall and change the world though, it was the judgmental kind that leaves you rolling your eyes. The article was trying to defend my rights, without me needing to be defended. I felt as though it took what was intended to be free spirited fun, and morphed it into an argument of sexism.
The worst part?: It wasn't written by an agitated female... it was written by a male. This ruffled my feathers even further as the article hinted towards a world where men are not to be blamed for their response to the female form. It depicted a world where women in bikinis were somehow less intelligent, and though this may not have been the intention, it was the result.
Momentaily embarrassed by the negative spew, I quickly realized that I disagreed with what was being portrayed, and there was no need to allow the opinions of others to falter what I stood for. I pulled out my cell phone and gave the head of the fashion show a ring - I figured she could use the heads up.
WELL...If you thought that I was annoyed - this girl boss was furiously marching through the university grounds before I could hang up the line.
What could I do to help... what could I do to help? After all, this negative press portrays not only the models in a negative light, but the companies involved as well. ... What could I do to...
An open dialogue! <- (this is something that I strongly believe in). It was A'murica after all! Freedom of speech, am I right? There is always t̶w̶o̶ three sides to every story, and I was not willing to be spoken for.
. . . .
By the following week there was a new heading in the paper, and it read:
You see, I don't believe in a world where we all agree, but I do believe in a world where we try to understand one another.
My article sparked a thread of e-mails between myself and the writer of "Midnight Misogyny," as we tried to understand one another. He was in fact very kind, polite and apologetic when he saw the scenario through my lens.
I find it incredibly beautiful when we can use words to cure anger rather than fuel a fire.
Dialogue was not the only thing that sparked through this situation, but here birthed the friendship between myself and the 'Surf Outfitter' family.
"We have a shoot coming up ... Billabong, Maaji, Roxy... some really great brands. You interested in modeling?"
CHAPTER 3
With a great opportunity on the horizon, how could I continue to preach 'self love and acceptance,' if I refused to totally embrace and be comfortable with MYSELF?
I have always been inspired to represent REAL people, not the perfectly designed ideas of people that we see throughout the internet.
It wasn't about "being a model"
It was about representing all of the women who have ever felt like they weren't good enough. It was about representing a demographic of people who weren't born with perfectly photoshopped bodies, yet were still perfect in their own way.
SO THE QUESTION WAS ASKED:
REALITY: "Are you interested in modeling?"
WHAT I HEARD: "Are you interested in standing next to tall, slender models while we discover that your giant butt can't squeeze into any of our sizes?" (naturally I am dramatic- and this was not the case)
REALITY: "YES, Yes I am!" INNER DIALOGUE: "oooooo crap." & so the beach wave momentum continued-
The family at Surf Outfitter embraced me with open arms as we spent many mornings shooting for the newest swimwear lines.
Each new shoot brought the same initial nerves, but laughter and good people quickly trumped.
Over time I became more and more familiar with the swimwear brands, interested in their fabrics, fits and newest trends.
The beach culture wasn't just a vacation conversation It was an entire business.
FASTFORWARD A COUPLE MONTHS: I have graduated and returned home from University.
After moving my life back to the islands I call home, I began to rummage through my closet.
Following the discovery of a few 'long lost' items, I finally pulled a giant draw-stringed bag from the back.
Opening the bag was like opening magic. Fabrics of all colors and textures now draped across my bed.
It was a bag full of potential from a business idea that had once been lost to cute boys and crazy summer nights. It was an idea that I had even before this story began, but I didn't yet have the confidence in myself to push forward.
They say that everything has it's time - AND IT WAS TIME.
Skipping over the details and the dramatic in-betweens that you can one day read in my book ;)...
It is with great excitement, love and joy that I introduce to you what became of that draw-string bag...
No, Couttsea is not a swimwear line - not yet at least...
*DRUM ROLL PLEASE*
But a BEACH WEAR line (I prefer the term 'beach wear' to 'resort wear') A perfect blend between my love for the beach culture, and my sporadic conservative impulse.
It is a brand birthed from self love. It is a brand birthed from my inability to believe in the unattainable. It is a brand birthed from dreaming out loud.
I have a lot of great plans for COUTTSEA, and I'm so excited to share this journey with YOU.
I hope to see you at the pop up shop.
STICK WITH ME. THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING ...
#OUTDREAMYOURSELF
CHAPTER 4
"So how's COUTTSEA going?" they ask...
"It has been going well, thank you," I often respond with a tinge of nerves in my chest. I would imagine that it's the same feeling a parent would have awaiting their child to pass an important exam: hopeful, excited, confident, and yet nervous as it is somewhat out of their control.
A successful pop-up shop and a couple months later and there I lay, scrolling through my Instagram feed pondering my next move. Goals and ambitions scramble to my lips as my brain tries to process the logical steps forward amidst my full time job.
For a moment I wish that the end goal was closer, but memories immediately halt me in my tracks.
To the public, Couttsea looks something like this...
Photography by: Alex Boon, Marcus Gomez & I
But in reality (you know that I'm always real with you), Couttsea has been this:
Couttsea has been tired friends waking up at 7am on a weekend to do my make up (@rebeccamaingot), standing in the rain (@cdesouz) and pretending to be professional photographers (@alexboon21).
Couttsea has been friends coming over with their hair in a bun letting me take pictures of them unannounced (@julianacoutts , @marielhuggins).
Couttsea has been family buying items for more than their selling price, friends showing up deathly hungover on days that I need support, and genuine individuals reaching out interested in the brand.
Looking back on these past few months, Couttsea has been nothing butlove. & IT'S ALL THANKS TO YOU
From the bottom of my heart I wanted to thank you for your continued love and support. Thank you for following my page @couttsea, for reading my blogs, for coming out to the pop-up shop, for asking how things are... each one of you, no matter how loud, deserve a thank you.
Now, with that said, this brand is based in SELF LOVE - which means that I want you to LOVE YOURSELF and feel beautiful when you wear it, so share with me what you want to see more of and let's make magic together: